An Argument for Scheduling Sex
by Krystina Wales
I don’t know about you, but in my 20s, everything was spontaneous. Sure, I filled every moment with work, volunteering, hanging out with friends or my partner, professional development, or, as the headline suggests, knocking boots, shaking sheets, or whatever code word you and your S/O think you’re fooling your roommate with.
I went for a run every single day and/or went to the gym. I worked multiple jobs and volunteered constantly. I ate the majority of my meals in my car. I ran on very little sleep. Everything worked itself in and had a spot in my day. At times I might’ve felt overbooked, overextended, or stressed out.
In reality, I had so much time on my hands and every activity was up for debate.
That was a period of my life with almost zero responsibility, which I realize is a privilege some don’t have. But, if I’m being honest, having that much flexibility in my schedule didn’t equal more productivity. In fact, I think I accomplished less during that time in my life than ever.
A 2014 study from the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis found that mothers outperformed their childless colleagues over a 30-year career span. Why is that? Essentially, because we have to. Anecdotally, I can tell you mothers plan well in advance and prioritize tasks. We have a running checklist in our heads, simultaneously thinking about packing lunches in 15 minutes and applying for kindergarten in four years. And that mindset extends to other parts of our lives—parenting, managing a household, family relationships and work.
As lines between work and home became blurred during the pandemic, those of us whose brains were not already hardwired for this kind of balance and prioritization might have had trouble adjusting. Tasks might have fallen through the cracks. Maybe you found yourself working way more than usual or finding it difficult to stay on task in a home office. Maybe the stress of the pandemic shifted your focus away from things you used to enjoy.
I used to write constantly. Morning pages were a given. My journal was overflowing with ideas to flesh out. Today? Let’s just say I thought of the idea for this article five months ago.
In our professional lives, we are conditioned to follow a schedule. Most of us have clear working hours, deadlines for projects, meeting times with supervisors, dedicated lunch breaks. It’s been this way for hundreds of years because, for the most part, it works.
For some, schedules are the devil. But if you are in a season where tasks are falling through the cracks, you aren’t meeting commitments to yourself, or you’re forgetting important things, make time for activities you enjoy and create a habit with a schedule.
We plan date nights with our partners, so why not crucial conversations about home repairs, parenting tactics, or the monthly budget? And, yes, even sex. It might not be, well, sexy, to put sex on your schedule, but at certain points in a relationship you can get so distracted with life that you look up and realize it’s been a few weeks since you went to #Town. Putting it on the calendar means it deserves space in your day. Looking ahead to it on your calendar can even build anticipation and excitement.
Setting aside dedicated time for activities we enjoy, time with loved ones, even just breaks for ourselves can be a game-changer for mental health, as well as bring some balance to our day. You could be on the road to burnout and not even know it based on the simple fact that your calendar is filled with all work and no play.
Some of us are working remotely for the first time, and have the opportunity to control that daily schedule to fit our needs a bit more. Some of us are taking on even more responsibility during this time, and it’s becoming harder to fit everything in. Either way, it is important for our mental health to reflect on it.
Scheduling things we might consider mundane or obvious subconsciously tells our brain this is important, this needs to get done, please don’t forget. It’s also a signal to shift focus. There’s a dopamine effect to checking something off a list. It generates a sense of accomplishment and control. And, like it or not, preparation and planning make it easier for us to get these important things accomplished, even when crises and unexpected, pressing problems arise. It also helps us stay on task with the consistent presence of time wasters and escape activities right at our fingertips.
Prioritization and time management experts tout we have more hours than we think we do in a day to get things done. I’m not here to shit on how long you spend on TikTok, especially if it brings you joy. My only argument is that when we know we want to take more walks outside, write more, or have more sex, the best way to make sure it gets done is to put it on the calendar. Otherwise, there is always something “more pressing” standing in our own way.
Eventually, these activities might become a habit and we won’t need Google to tell us when to shed some layers. For now, the pandemic, social unrest, altered schedules, and shifts in circumstances have caused us all more stress and anxiety, and less mental space.
Take some of those tasks out of your brain and into an app. It might save your marriage, your creativity, or your sanity.
Krystina spends her days in donor engagement and communication for a healthcare organization in Baltimore, which she considers the best job in fundraising, and she is also deeply committed to volunteering in Baltimore City. But her favorite roles are wife and mom. When she is not adventuring with her two daughters, she is in perpetual search of a really good cup (read: pot) of coffee or mastering her life goal of crafting the perfect charcuterie board.
